My kids are my world. Without a doubt. If I died tomorrow, I hope the first thing that people would remember me for was being an incredible Mom. With that said, I need to do this vent to be a better Mom. I carry around these thoughts day in and day out lately & need to release it all somewhere, because my kids can never know of it all. It's so hard going about everything, not showing anyone what is really going on, yet it's just weighing me down inside.
Ok...here it goes.
How is it that someone can commit an affair (over and over) yet making excuses still after 5 years later, making it seem to be MY fault? How can someone do that to their family? Their infant child?! I will forever be unsure of how someone could be that selfish. I, to this day, get dirty looks from the adulterer's friends, as if I am in the wrong. Be aware that there are ALWAYS two sides to a story.
How is it that I have had to spend the last 5 years of my life having to document every encounter I have with this person just in case I may need it, yet he does nothing? Every phone call. Every email. Every encounter. Every bruise. Every foul word. Everything that I relay to him, so he can't lie & say I didn't do something. Its physically & emotionally exhausting. Its hard enough raising a child & being organized. Not missing any milestones. Keeping up on his development. Teaching him manners, morals & values. It's even harder when you have to write it all down to show I'm to competent parent, so someone can't claim otherwise.
How can someone be handed almost a half a million dollars & have no money left to show for it, yet I have pinched my pennies to make sure I have a nest egg left, so I can provide for my child? I was left a single mother when my child was 10 months old & instantly went from a stay at home Mom to a full time working Mom. My life was flipped upside down. My parents' lives were flipped upside down, as my Mom became my childcare while I worked. It is all too ironic that a finger is pointed at me & said that I am only worried about money, yet this person has an arrearage of over $4700 to pay in child support & even after a Judge ordered for him to pay it, he still won't pay it. He may have no money to his name, but will pay over and over to take me back to court, because he's never happy. After TWO final judgements from a Judge, he still finds it important to have a rehearing, since he thinks the JUDGE is wrong. He will pay even more to have an attorney & pay court costs to be told by a Judge once again that HE is wrong. The stupidity is unreal.
I thank God every single day that my child has developed to be a sweet, mannerly, kind-hearted, and intelligent human being throughout it all. I am grateful that I have been able to shield him from the mess after all these years to the absolute best of my ability. While I can't go back & change any of my choices in the past, all I can do is try to make something out of it all. With that said, I vow to teach my child that he is responsible for his actions. It doesn't have to be someone else's fault for everything. I vow to also teach my son to live the way God wants him to live. To show people respect. To teach others the way he would want to be treated. To be able to admit when he's wrong & say, "I'm sorry." I will make sure my child has common sense & is not a quitter at anything he does. I vow to make sure my child knows how to express his emotions through words and not actions. I vow to teach my child that you can't buy happiness & to be grateful for all he has.
Divorce with a child is a nightmare. The actions of another person affect the upbringing of the thing that is most important to me. I have been the one stable thing in my child's life since he was born. I have been the educator, caregiver, appointment taker, boo-boo kisser, milestone checker, responsible, HOME to my child despite all that has gone on & it is UNREAL that the mess never goes away. I'm up late organizing court books, talking with my attorney (I never imagined I'D have MY attorney), documenting my entire mothering life, and budgeting for the unknown costs of no child support, heath care, or attorney/court costs. My kids will never know. I feel like I live a double life. But...you best believe I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to give my child the best possible life ever.
Baby is up from nap. End of vent. :)
Back to Ninja Turtle pumpkin painting!
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